


The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special

by orphan_account



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 03:51:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2837042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter's attempt to celebrate Christmas goes horribly wrong when he accepts an invitation to the Universe Day show, the most horrible holiday pageant in the entire galaxy. Will the Guardians be able to escape the horror of D-list celebrities, over-long musical performances, and heavy-handed moral lessons?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thetidebreaks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetidebreaks/gifts).



“I have got the _greatest_ news in the entire galaxy,” Peter said.

“Thanos has fallen?” said Drax.

“Okay, didn’t think of that one. Maybe the _second_ greatest news in the entire galaxy,” Peter said.

“Thanos has surrendered?” Gamora said.

“This news has absolutely nothing to do with Thanos but it’s really, really great and you’re going to have to trust me on that,” Peter said.

“It’s fifteenth greatest at most if it’s not about that guy getting his ass kicked,” Rocket said.

“It’s Christmas!” Peter said, “Or at least, within a few hundred days of Christmas. It’s probably been Christmas at least once since we met up so I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and say it’s Christmas now.”

Peter stood tall with a big grin and his arms held out wide as if he was welcoming the inevitable burst of excitement this news would surely generate. Everyone else stared at him blankly.

“What’s a Christmas?” Drax said.

“You guys really don’t know what Christmas is?” Peter said.

More blank stares.

“It’s pretty much the greatest holiday of all time. There’s egg nog and candy canes and everyone gets presents,” Peter said.

“Peter, you really expected us to know about a random Terran holiday?” Gamora asked.

“Christmas isn’t just a random Terran holiday, it’s…” Peter said, trying to think of a better way to describe it, “A Terran holiday that’s really a pretty big deal?”

“I am Groot,” Groot said.

“I’m with ya, buddy. Where are all the presents, then?” Rocket said.

“I haven’t exactly gotten them yet,” Peter said.

“I’m out,” Rocket said, walking away.

“Wait! Don’t you want to hear about Santa Claus and every other amazing thing about Christmas?” Peter said.

“Alright, I’m bored, I’ll bite. Who’s Santa Claus?” Rocket said.

“He’s a jolly fat guy that lives in the North Pole and delivers presents to everyone while they sleep,” Peter said.

“You celebrate a man who thrives in sub-zero temperatures and breaks into billions of homes in the span of a few hours?” Drax said.

“Well, no, he’d not exactly real,” Peter said.

“You celebrate a gift-bringer that can’t bring gifts because he doesn’t exist?” Gamora said.

“Well, when you put it _that_ way it just sounds stupid, but you’re going to have to trust me because it’s really great,” Peter said.

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to open my fictional present from a fictional guy,” Rocket said, miming the action of opening a present, “Wow! There it is. Okay, Christmas is done.”

“No, actually, Christmas is just beginning. We’ve actually been invited to celebrate the holidays as honored guests by some very nice, hospitable people about to put on their annual celebration,” Peter said.

“So, let me get this straight, we’re out here light years away from Earth and someone’s called you up and said ‘hey, come celebrate this holiday no one out here cares about except you’?” Rocket said.

“It’s a slightly different holiday, but there are going to be presents an good food and singing and we’re honored guests and it’s Christmas so we should all be _super_ excited,” Peter said.

“Do I have to go?” said Drax.

“We all have to go, we’re all honored guests,” said Peter.

“I miss prison,” said Drax.

“What holiday is it, exactly?” Gamora said.

“Uhh, it’s something called Universe Day,” Peter said.

“You promised us at the _Universe Day_ celebration?” Gamora said.

“Is something wrong with that? They said there’d be presents,” Peter said.

“Peter, the Universe Day celebration only happens once every two-hundred years,” Gamora said.

“Then we’re lucky we made it to this one because I’m not gonna live until the next one,” Peter said.

“It’s once every two hundred years because it takes decades of practice and preparation,” Gamora said.

“Because it’s…really really good?” Peter said.

“The length of Universe ‘Day’ is based on a very ancient calendar. It lasts for almost five Terran years without a break,” Gamora said, “There are three years of musical guests alone, some playing a song that lasts over a week.”

“What kind of musical guests?” Peter said, still uncertain as to whether this whole Universe Day thing was a terrible idea or not.

“No one on either of those two tapes will be playing music on Universe Day,” Gamora said.

“Damn. It was worth a try, right? Well, better call them and cancel our invite. I’ll just say Rocket got us all sick,” Peter said.

“Oh, you will not!” Rocket said.

“He’s right,” Gamora said, “Withdrawing a Universe Day invitation is considered an act of war.”

“Okay, so, prepare for war, then, got it,” Peter said.

“Will we be fighting the musical guests?” Drax said.

“No, we’ll be fighting a legion of starships piloted by beings patient enough to sit and watch three years of musical guests,” Gamora said, “We’ve got to get far away before they notice we’re gone. They won’t want to delay the celebration by too long.”

“Okay, so I’ve got some bad news about that,” Peter said.

“Welcome, honored guests!” blared a loudspeaker voice from a bright and shining intergalactic stadium filled with bright lights and expensively dressed individuals of many races.

“We’re kind of already here because I’ve kind of been steering us here since I got the invitation last week,” Peter said.

“You’ve known about this for a week and you only told us now?” Gamora said.

“See, the thing about Christmas is it’s supposed to involve a lot of surprises,” Peter said.

“I really hate Christmas,” Rocket said.

“Are you sure war isn’t an acceptable option?” Drax said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get us out of this, I’m sure we can sneak out during intermission or something,” Peter said, as the ship docked aboard the massive stadium.

They were greeted by a figure in a red and green hooded robe who welcomed them all warmly.

“Ah, our special guests,” the figure said with a slight bow, “We’ve reserved special seats just for you.”

The figure gestured towards five seats surrounded by bright blinking lights and a banner overhead reading ‘Our Honored Guests’.

“Oh, good. Special seats. Just for us,” Peter said, forcing a smile as he looked back to Gamora, who was glaring daggers at him.

“This is like sitting in the worst movie theater in the entire world. For five years,” Peter said, squeezing into his cramped seat.

“They’re fine to me, not that I wanna be here but at least I get to suffer a little less than the rest of you,” Rocket said.

“We’re going to get out of this, don’t worry, I’ll think of something. I vaguely remember a whole lot of stuff about Christmas so I’m sure I can come up with something,” Peter said.

“So much for leaving when it’s dark,” Gamora said, looking at all the twinkling festive light surrounding their special sectioned-off seats.

“Programs, programs, who needs programs?” another hooded figure said, passing out rather thick program guides.

“Oh, we’ll take one!” said Peter, taking one from the stack.

“Why? Are you still not convinced that this is going to be terrible?” Gamora said.

“Let me have that, I’m sure tearing the pages out in frustration will be more entertaining than anything else here,” Rocket said.

“Wow, they got a _lot_ of celebrities to come to this. Like, a _lot_ lot,” Peter said, flipping through the pages, “And they’re all ones I’ve heard of, but only vaguely enough that I’m not really excited about any of them.”

“The galaxy’s biggest stars aren’t exactly lining up to come to Universe Day,” Gamora said.

“Uhh, _we’re_ here,” Peter said.

“And look at all the fun we’re about to have!” Rocket said, grabbing the program guide from Peter, “Oh, good! A three day drum solo, coming up in five months. I’ll be sure to look forward to _that_.”

“We’re not going to be here for five months, we’re not even going to be here for one day, trust me,” Peter said.

“We could always just get arrested again,” Drax said.

“Yeah, I’m sure after a couple hours of this most of us will be willing to do something that’d land us in jail,” Rocket said.

“I’m willing already. These lights are extremely abrasive,” Drax said.

“Welcome, guests,” a voice boomed over the loudspeaker as the lights dimmed (all the lights except the ones around their seats, that is), “The show is about to get in. Please, keep all conversations to a whisper and feel free to use the complementary binoculars. And, if you’ll look towards the blinking lights, you’ll see this Universe Day’s special guests, your Guardians of the Galaxy!”

The crowd erupted in a torrential, near eardrum-bursting cheer.

“ _How_ did they get so many people to come to this?” Peter whispered.

“Boredom and very long lifespans,” Gamora said, “Also, some of them have been sentenced to it.”

“For our introductory act, please welcome the Universe Day Sketch Performers, presenting The True Meaning of Universe Day!” the loudspeaker voice said again, as a spotlight appeared on the stage.

Four actors in terrible costumes ran out and started waving their arms and saying…something to each other. Really, it was more like a series of grunts and growls, nothing that Peter could make any sense out of.

“Is there a translation?” Peter whispered to Gamora.

“It’s a fictional language, no one knows what they’re saying,” Gamora said.

“Okay, second question: _why_?” Peter said.

“It’s an ancient tradition, something about the art of speaking with actions,” Gamora said.

“But there are no actions. The whole scene seems to be based around a conversation! They’re just waving their arms and grunting,” Peter said.

“It’s not a very popular tradition,” Gamora said, “Although you _are_ the one who wanted to celebrate a fictional man in the first place.”

“From what I can get, the little guy is doing something, and the big guy is either angry or excited about it, and the other guy isn’t saying anything,” Rocket said.

“Thanks,” Peter said.

“It reminds me of you, sometimes,” Drax said.

“I am Groot,” Groot said with the shrug.

“What do you _mean_ ‘it’s okay’?” Rocket said, holding both paws up to his forehead, “I don’t think I can handle another five minutes of this.

“There’s a really loud musical number coming up in an hour,” Gamora said, flipping through the program guide, “Maybe we can all sneak out while everyone’s covering their ears.”

“Great, and if we get caught we’ll just say we’re on our way to the bathroom,” Peter said.

“ _That’s_ your backup if we get caught?” Rocket said.

“Everyone has to use the bathroom,” Peter said.

“I am Groot,” Groot said.

“Okay, maybe not you, but _almost_ everyone and oh god am I starting to understand Groot,” Peter said, shaking his head.

An hour passed slower than any of them could have ever imagined. A full hour of what was apparently the same conversation, in which the only action was to wash dishes and put away kitchen utensils. Rocket had already fallen asleep by the time the music started to blare from the stage.

“What? Dammit, are we still here? I was dreaming we were literally anywhere else except here,” Rocket said.

“Okay, Gamora’s right, we can try to sneak out now,” Peter said, “Follow me.”

Peter stood up quietly and walked half bent over as if he were trying not to block anyone else’s view. The rest followed behind him.

“What’s the point of bending over?” Rocket whispered.

“So they don’t see us. Uh, you don’t have to,” Peter said.

“Halt!” said a booming voice, the voice of the hooded figure who had initially seated them, “Where do you think _you’re_ going? You’re certainly not trying to leave, are you? This is barely the beginning of our festival.”

“No, of course not, we just…” Peter said.

“It’s a bathroom break! Altogether, you know, we’ve been on the same ship so long that we all have to go at the same time,” Rocket said.

The crowd stared blankly.

“ _Actually_ ,” Peter said, “We don’t _want_ to go, but we have to. That last wonderful skit revealed to us the true meaning of Universe Day and now we have to defend it.”

“And what, pray tell, _is_ the true meaning of Universe Day, if you’ve got it all figured out?” the hooded figure said.

“Well, it’s…uh, this is Groot,” Peter said, motioning to Groot.

“I am Groot,” Groot said.

“So he is,” the hooded figure said.

“Groot can glow,” Peter said.

Groot stood there motionless for a few seconds before Rocket nudged him in the knee and he raised one arm, the tiny glowing spores taking flight. The crowd oohed and aahed.

“Yeah, _we_ can all see that it’s awesome, but where Groot comes from, it’s bad and weird,” Peter said, “None of the other Groots even let him play their annual weird tree-person games. But just before coming here we got a call that there was a huge storm, and they really really need Groot’s glowing ability to guide the present-sled and give presents to all the good little twigs for the holidays. At first we were like, _nah_ , they were big jerks to Groot, and we want to see the Universe Day pageant really bad because it’s super great anyways. But that first act just touched us so much, we realized: shouldn’t Universe Day be about _helping_ …the _universe_?”

The crowd was silent.

“Yeah, I didn’t like it either, good try, though,” Rocket said.

The hooded figure stood silent as well, before approaching Peter, “That was, by far, the most touching story I have ever heard. We are stunned silent, moved to tears! Go, deliver your glowing bounty, and don’t forget to collect your own gifts on the way out! True heroes, everyone.”

The crowd applauded loudly as they left, each of them taking a small wrapped box from the table.

“At least we get presents,” Rocket said.

“Where did you think of that story, Peter?” Gamora asked.

“I made it up completely on my own in the few seconds after he asked me what the true meaning of Universe Day was,” Peter said, “I may have taken inspiration from an old Terran folk tale but really it was at least ninety-nine percent me.”

Back on the ship and far away from the stadium, Rocket unwrapped his present. Inside was a rather hard, colorful loaf of…something. As the other presents were opened one by one, everyone saw that they all had the same thing.

“What is it?” Drax said, “Some kind of bludgeon?”

“No, no…” Peter said, “It’s a fruitcake. No, Groot, don’t eat it.”

Groot, who had already taken a bite of the cake, turned away and pretended to spit it out.

“I don’t think I like Christmas,” Rocket said.

“No, no, you don’t like Universe Day. Christmas is great. Next year, I swear I’ll find something more fun, maybe we can all decorate Groot?” Peter said.

“Decorating your companions is a Christmas tradition?” Gamora said.

“No, it’s…you know what? Never mind, Christmas is cancelled, let’s get something to eat,” Peter said, “You know, I really feel like we should have learned something from all this. You know, something that warms our hearts and brings us closer together.”

“Nope, that sounds awful, let’s go eat,” Rocket said.

They could still hear the music blaring from the stadium as their ship flew off into the distance.


End file.
